relentless

MAN!  It's been a long time since I have been on here.  For my own sake, I need to write more.  I guess it's like anything else... seasons.  One thing that never changes though, is how God loves me so!  I sure am glad that He doesn't love me in 'seasons'!
Over the past few months I have been in numerous conversations with various women where the topic is men... Go figure. "When is the Lord going to bring me a husband?", "Is this guy the right one for me?",  "Why doesn't God answer my prayers?", "I am tired of being lonely."
ALL legitimate questions and statements that I have echoed with. But, it has been just recently that God keeps reminding me that what I yearn for and seek is right in front of my face.  My maker is my husband. If you aren't a believer, that may sound weird to you, but, hear me out.
A good husband, on his best day, still isn't perfect. Yet, we desire and sometimes expect him to be. He should be meeting our emotional, physical, mental needs, right? NO!!!
 The problem doesn't lie within him, it lies within us. We are looking to the wrong source for our needs to be met. God is more than able to give us everything we need when we need it.
Check out these 3 different situations that I found myself in...
1. about 3 weeks ago, I tried to cut my finger off with some hedge trimmers. Called a very close male friend of mine (Godly man who would give his right arm to me) and he hooked me up with a hand specialist, a no-wait ER visit, and got my stitches out for free.  He even held my hand when the doc gave me the numbing shot.
2. I was out on my (awesome ) scooter, and I ran out of gas. No joke, I didn't wait 2 minutes and 3 different men stopped to help me.  (once again, all Godly men), two went to get me gas, and one stayed with me and allowed me to stay in his car due to the heat! I was gassed up and ready to ride within 20 minutes!
3. Was out on my road bike and blew a tire.  Had no phone, and was 4 miles out from my car. I only had 15 minutes to get back in time to pick up Taytum... AHHHHH!  (i know, never go without my phone)  Anyway, a nice gentleman (complete stranger) took me back to my car.

All of these things are things that my 'husband' should have helped me do, but, since I don't have an earthly husband anymore, I have learned to rely on my one true love. The one who told me that He would never leave or forsake me. The one who says I'm more precious than silver or gold, the one who adores me.  The one who truly wipes away all my tears and who will NEVER abandon me or chose someone else over me.
How sweet is He?  It's nice to be loved.  Whether you are married or not, I pray that you allow God to romance you this week!

My life on paper.

So, lately, I have been thinking about what it means to be rich.  I guess you could have all kinds of views on it.  But, for me, it's pretty simple.  I recently did an exercise that helped me really look at my life...
I put it on paper.
1. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  (this alone makes me rich beyond measure)
2.  I deeply love people and I am deeply loved by people.
3.  I know, really KNOW, a small community of people and I am known, really KNOWN by  these same people.
4.  I have a beautiful and amazing daughter.
5.  I love what I get to do for a living.
6.  I own a car, have a roof over my head, and as far back as I can remember, I have never had to skip a meal due to lack of resources.

When I reflect on all of these things, I can't help but smile and know that God has given me all of this! There is a huge portion of the world who have never even heard of Jesus Christ, let alone have a relationship with Him.  Many people walk around never truly feeling loved or known by ANYONE!  think about that.  All of us who have family or close friends are VERY blessed and should never take it for granted.
I have many people in my little life alone who cannot or have not been able to have children.  How did I get so blessed???  and coupled with that, many people who desperately want to be married but have never found the one to capture their heart, are still waiting to be married.   I have had the opportunity to do both.  WOW!  WHY?
Almost daily I hear of people complain about their job.  Why is it that God blessed me with a job that I absolutely love?  I get to minister to people and be able to provide for my family with it???  seriously?  Only God could have set this up for me.
I could go on and on about how we as Americans are the richest people on the planet earth.  Most people in the world will never own a car.  Many people in the world have to go days before they are able to eat.
It would be a travesty for me to look at my life on paper and think, "Whoa is me."  NOw, many would argue that I would be valid in that mentality because of what's happened to me, but I will fight that mentality until the day I die.  That is called our flesh and it needs to be put to death everyday.  Christ died to give me life and that is what I am celebrating today... an abundant life!  God bless.
(and for those of you who did not hear how much we raised at our last race for running for the refuge... we raised a little over $5,000!  Praise God!)

still wandering

Well, still feel like a lone wanderer.  I feel God's presence when I am paying attention.  That's the key, you know...   Some moments I am more aware of Him than others.   You still just want to be hugged though, you know?  Or cuddled or held or kissed or even NOTICED for that matter... But, I am learning so many things in this season.  Contentment.  Joy.  Peace.  Trust.  Tenacity.  Patience.  Patience. Patience
I will say there seems to be a theme right now with my intolerance button...  It's fakeness.  I have zero tolerance for it.  I'm finding myself very angry at times with people who represent themselves in one way and completely act another.  whether in closed doors or just bluntly out in the open.  My question is WHY?   Why do people do this?  I know the saying that hurt people hurt people...  But, that's just not good enough for me these days...
If you're a fish, be a fish.  If you are a morning person, be a morning person.  If you like painting, then paint.  If you are a jerk, BE A JERK.  If you're not sorry, then don't say it.  If you really want to BE something then, BE it!  all this hem-hawing around is getting on my nerves.  I'm ready for some black and white kind of people, you know?  TRUTH, TRUTH, TRUTH.  Why is everyone so afraid of it?  What is the matter with people????  I have asked this question 30 times this past week if not 300!!!
This is not coming from a self-righteous heart because with me... what you see is what you get!  I am not trying to be something that I am not.  I know, I know, I am totally on a soap box right now!!!  Isn't that what blogging is for?  ha ha.  I'm just tired of this affecting me and the ones I love.
It's soooo old.  That's what I want to ask a 'fake' person... "Does this ever get old to you? Do you ever get tired of yourself?"
Ok. I will climb down off of the box now.
I am, however, excited about many things right now.  I will find out here in a few weeks if I made it into the New York Marathon!!!   YEAH!  Just finished Lexington's first half with about 30 other running for the refuge runners!  I am not sure yet how much we raised. Summer is getting closer!  And I will be laying on a Florida Beach in 6 weeks...  Oh my GOSH!!!!
Blessings to you all!

desert

ONe of my favorite lines to one of my favorite songs...
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides


I truly feel that I am definitely in the desert right now.  Alone, thirsty, waiting, sad, and impatient.


The thing that I am realizing about the desert is that there are soooo many mirages in this place.  


Things that I think will take the loneliness away.  Things that I think will numb the pain that I 


am experiencing.  Counterfeit stuff that I think will quench my thirst.  And finally, I find myself 


using methods that will attempt to hasten my stay in this dry and weary land.  Is there 


abundant living in the desert?  Sure doesn't feel like it.  And then I read Isaiah 30:15... "Your 


salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.  Your 


strength will come from settling down in complete dependance on me."


So, this is what I am attempting this week!  To rest, be quiet, trust, and surrender.  That should 


be pretty easy, right?  


The end of the song goes like this:

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

I know the time is coming that favor and providence will flow.  I just have to be patient and wait.  Hope you all have a great week.

counterfeit lying next to me?

As I was running this morning I listened to one of my favorite songs... Can I Lie Here.  Here are the lyrics:
Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My only calm is You
Save me

Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My only thought is You
Save me

Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My happiness is You
Save me

Oh how lovely this place
To be with You
To be with You

Oh the brightness of Your face
Here with You
Here with You

Oh my only calm is You
Oh my only thought is You
Oh my happiness is You
Oh my happiness is You

To be with You
To be with You
Save me


I started thinking to myself... Could I literally lie here in my bed with just me and Jesus for the rest of my life?  Do I really believe what I read and sing?  Is He my only calm?  Is He my happiness?  Are my thoughts on Him and not a bunch of other men?  Do I believe only He can save me?  Do I even believe that He is here with me in my loneliest times?  I HAVE to, in faith, believe the answer is yes to all those questions.  And when I say yes, I feel peace wash over me.  
I don't want counterfeit lying next to me.  EVER.  I have tasted that and it is toxic.  None of this comes real easy for me, but, I DO know this... it's worth it.  Whew!  the things I think of when I am running...

trade in

January sucked. pretty much.  I was sad most of the month.  For many reasons, I guess.  Weather, turning another year older, watching people make hurtful choices, getting kicked in the gut (figuratively), being divorced a year, Haiti, broken people/ broken lives.  And on and on the list goes...

If you really want to know how I felt, I really just wanted to trade in my story.  I told God that my story was too burdensome.  It's too heavy.  It's too hard.  There are moments that I still feel that way, but I think I am slowly coming out of that dark corner that I was getting pushed further and further into.  

What I have to remember is that my story is my story.  No one else can live it or tell it.  It is a gift given to me by God.  How dare I say I want to trade it in?  I think it (my story) was becoming too heavy because I was trying to carry it and write it all on my own.  That never really works out real well.  As Dr Phil says, "how's that working for ya?"  ha ha.  

I think that I have also tried to grieve perfectly.  This is an impossible task.  I have literally fumbled my way through this past year and a half!  Grieving is messy... it just is.  The quicker I can get that concept down... the BETTER!  All I know is is that I want God to write my story, not me.  And I also want Him to carry me through it instead of me trying to do it on my own at times.  Sorry this is kind of heavy, but it's good for me to just get it out.  Vomit. vomit. vomit. There!  I feel better.  

I have been reading a book called a Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller ( i highly recommend it).  Its all about story.  What I am learning is that I want my story to be exciting!  full of adventure!  with twists and turns.  And I want it to mean something!  I want to constantly be doing something that MATTERS!  It must have meaning or else I AM ready to end the book of my life.  

So, here you go God... I'm all yours!  Just give me some reprieve from time to time.  

Darkness and light

So, my daughter actually slept in the other morning and so, I was able to get up before her and start my rituals in the bathroom.  She came in at one point squinting because the brightness of the light was too much for her sleepy eyes.  She said, "Too bright mommy, too bright!"  It got me thinking...
I have been thinking a lot lately about rejection.  We all have been rejected at one time or another and it hurts really bad.  Its just part of life, I guess.  But, I think I've come to a conclusion about a certain type of rejection.  It's between darkness and light.  You know that the two can't co-exist.  One can't be in the presence of the other. One rejects the other... I have watched people who are not really walking with the Lord get irritated or frustrated with the people in their life that love them the most. They regect them I KNOW... I have been there!  When I was in college, I wasn't actively walking with the Lord. I lived with my sister  WHO WAS.  She got on my nerves a lot.  It was because my flesh was battling with her spirit.  I rolled my eyes at her all the time.  But, it was because she was speaking truth to me and I just didn't want to hear it.
 When I see this going on now, I totally get why!!!!  It's because we are so freaking stubborn, selfish, and completely living out of our flesh.  This only leads to poor decisions, hurts, and regrets.
This gives me such perspective when I try to figure out why people would want to hurt me.  Or why people hurt people in general.... It's the darkness and light thing.  Our flesh cannot co-exist with the Spirit of God.  That's why we HAVE to die to ourselves everyday so that our flesh won't get the better of us and hurt people in the process.  So, if you are going to get mad, get mad at the enemy.  He is the master-mind behind all of this.  he's behind all the pain, hurt, misery, and  addictions.  And remember wounded people wound people.  Love you all.  Have a good night!

waste of time

As we go through rough times and trials it requires a lot of time of devotion to prayer and mental processing.  Which is all good.  I think God wants us to 'wrestle' with stuff and not take anything lightly.  BUT, I was convicted today about the time I spend thinking about me and my little 'ole life.  I realized today that the things that are keeping me up at night and the things that make me cry  or the things that consume my mind are really at times, very selfish things.  I mean, read Ecclesiastes... wow.  Our life is so short...like a vapor.  In an instant I am going to be looking my Maker in the face and He is going to ask me how I spent my time down here on this earth!  I want to be able to give Him a good answer.
I mean, shouldn't sex-trafficing keep me up at night?  shouldn't little boys made to kill their parents and join an army cause me to weep in my bed?  What about the women in my community that are in chains and bondage of the strip club industry.  Why do I cry at my petty little stuff and not weep at them????  this is really disturbing me tonight.  I am too worried about my little ole self.  I need to be interceeding for the lost, the broken, the hurting, the less-fortunate...  Why do I do this?  Why do we all do this?  Lord, forgive me.  This is the first week of training for the Lexington Half- marathon.  It is MArch 28th.  I already have 42 people signed up to run in my running group "running for the refuge"!  praise God.  I pray that we can pull together and make a huge impact on this ministry.  Let me know if you want to be a part of a revelutionary movement.  Love you all!