If you really want to know how I felt, I really just wanted to trade in my story. I told God that my story was too burdensome. It's too heavy. It's too hard. There are moments that I still feel that way, but I think I am slowly coming out of that dark corner that I was getting pushed further and further into.
What I have to remember is that my story is my story. No one else can live it or tell it. It is a gift given to me by God. How dare I say I want to trade it in? I think it (my story) was becoming too heavy because I was trying to carry it and write it all on my own. That never really works out real well. As Dr Phil says, "how's that working for ya?" ha ha.
I think that I have also tried to grieve perfectly. This is an impossible task. I have literally fumbled my way through this past year and a half! Grieving is messy... it just is. The quicker I can get that concept down... the BETTER! All I know is is that I want God to write my story, not me. And I also want Him to carry me through it instead of me trying to do it on my own at times. Sorry this is kind of heavy, but it's good for me to just get it out. Vomit. vomit. vomit. There! I feel better.
I have been reading a book called a Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller ( i highly recommend it). Its all about story. What I am learning is that I want my story to be exciting! full of adventure! with twists and turns. And I want it to mean something! I want to constantly be doing something that MATTERS! It must have meaning or else I AM ready to end the book of my life.
So, here you go God... I'm all yours! Just give me some reprieve from time to time.
Tayrn, I thanks so much for sharing your heart. your story and your emotions. I am right there with you. I want to use my life experience to help others. Its no longer about me its about God using me. We have gotten through what we have only through Gods strength. Have we fallen down yes, but we dont stay down as long. I feel a strong woman is a woman or man that gets back up,, It takes courage to get back up. I would love to partner with you. I feel like GoD is preparing us for our assignment. I saw the book of Eli and it has changed the way I look at God and his strength.. Thank you again for being you. Christ truly does shine through your smile. I will be praying for you.. your sister in Christ Nicole
ReplyDeleteTaryn, it's good to see that you are getting back up! You, my friend, are a warrior... there's no doubt about that and I knew satan wouldn't keep you down. The thing is, this is a war and not just one battle. Being human, we can't even win one battle by ourselves but when we fall, it's whether or not we reach up and allow God to pull us back to our feet that determines how many battles we win or lose. The fact is, God is standing there with his hand extended to us just waiting for us to grab it! Keep reaching up, Sister! Never back down! Pick up your sword and your cross and allow God to use you the way he wants to! You're truly a blessing!
ReplyDelete