desert

ONe of my favorite lines to one of my favorite songs...
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides


I truly feel that I am definitely in the desert right now.  Alone, thirsty, waiting, sad, and impatient.


The thing that I am realizing about the desert is that there are soooo many mirages in this place.  


Things that I think will take the loneliness away.  Things that I think will numb the pain that I 


am experiencing.  Counterfeit stuff that I think will quench my thirst.  And finally, I find myself 


using methods that will attempt to hasten my stay in this dry and weary land.  Is there 


abundant living in the desert?  Sure doesn't feel like it.  And then I read Isaiah 30:15... "Your 


salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.  Your 


strength will come from settling down in complete dependance on me."


So, this is what I am attempting this week!  To rest, be quiet, trust, and surrender.  That should 


be pretty easy, right?  


The end of the song goes like this:

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

I know the time is coming that favor and providence will flow.  I just have to be patient and wait.  Hope you all have a great week.

counterfeit lying next to me?

As I was running this morning I listened to one of my favorite songs... Can I Lie Here.  Here are the lyrics:
Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My only calm is You
Save me

Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My only thought is You
Save me

Can I lie here in Your arms
Can I lie here in Your arms
My happiness is You
Save me

Oh how lovely this place
To be with You
To be with You

Oh the brightness of Your face
Here with You
Here with You

Oh my only calm is You
Oh my only thought is You
Oh my happiness is You
Oh my happiness is You

To be with You
To be with You
Save me


I started thinking to myself... Could I literally lie here in my bed with just me and Jesus for the rest of my life?  Do I really believe what I read and sing?  Is He my only calm?  Is He my happiness?  Are my thoughts on Him and not a bunch of other men?  Do I believe only He can save me?  Do I even believe that He is here with me in my loneliest times?  I HAVE to, in faith, believe the answer is yes to all those questions.  And when I say yes, I feel peace wash over me.  
I don't want counterfeit lying next to me.  EVER.  I have tasted that and it is toxic.  None of this comes real easy for me, but, I DO know this... it's worth it.  Whew!  the things I think of when I am running...

trade in

January sucked. pretty much.  I was sad most of the month.  For many reasons, I guess.  Weather, turning another year older, watching people make hurtful choices, getting kicked in the gut (figuratively), being divorced a year, Haiti, broken people/ broken lives.  And on and on the list goes...

If you really want to know how I felt, I really just wanted to trade in my story.  I told God that my story was too burdensome.  It's too heavy.  It's too hard.  There are moments that I still feel that way, but I think I am slowly coming out of that dark corner that I was getting pushed further and further into.  

What I have to remember is that my story is my story.  No one else can live it or tell it.  It is a gift given to me by God.  How dare I say I want to trade it in?  I think it (my story) was becoming too heavy because I was trying to carry it and write it all on my own.  That never really works out real well.  As Dr Phil says, "how's that working for ya?"  ha ha.  

I think that I have also tried to grieve perfectly.  This is an impossible task.  I have literally fumbled my way through this past year and a half!  Grieving is messy... it just is.  The quicker I can get that concept down... the BETTER!  All I know is is that I want God to write my story, not me.  And I also want Him to carry me through it instead of me trying to do it on my own at times.  Sorry this is kind of heavy, but it's good for me to just get it out.  Vomit. vomit. vomit. There!  I feel better.  

I have been reading a book called a Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller ( i highly recommend it).  Its all about story.  What I am learning is that I want my story to be exciting!  full of adventure!  with twists and turns.  And I want it to mean something!  I want to constantly be doing something that MATTERS!  It must have meaning or else I AM ready to end the book of my life.  

So, here you go God... I'm all yours!  Just give me some reprieve from time to time.